I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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