I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
