i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
