thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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