when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
