I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
