I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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