Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
wanna go halves on a baby?
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Randomize
