Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Randomize
