Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
