Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
