Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
