went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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