I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
