I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
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