I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
