so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Ketchup is God's man juice
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
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