Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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