No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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