Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
