I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Randomize
