we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Someone came in the potted fern
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
