this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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