Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
