I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
