I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
