so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
