Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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