Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
