Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
