My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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