How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
