Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
