Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
you win again, gameday.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
