so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
