i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
