i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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