do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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