you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
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