if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
