You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
