I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
