i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
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