Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
