I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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