he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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