We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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