Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
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