I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
