i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
