Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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