you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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