I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
