i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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