There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
