i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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