I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
