Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize