I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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